That’s how many days are left until my very favorite day of the year! Also, I couldn’t think of a witty title for this blog post so I just decided to go with that. Anyway . . .
I’ve been a terrible blogger lately. Stupid school takes up all my time. I’m three weeks behind on “Modern Family”. That’s how busy I’ve been. Also, the column I write each week for my school newspaper takes a lot of time to work on and after I’ve written that each week sometimes I just don’t feel like writing. I’m having a lot of fun with The Oracle though. It took me a while to get the hang of it. I can be honest enough to say that a couple of those first columns kinda sucked, but I’m pleased with what the response has been lately. If you haven’t had a chance to, I hope you’ll read some of my recent columns about the pro-life movement, Occupy Wall Street, anti-Islamic sentiments in the state legislature, and- most importantly- Kim Kardashian.
But don’t read all of that unless you’re really, really bored. Or maybe if you have to use the bathroom and you know you’re gonna be a while but you don’t have any good magazines available to you.
I just got back from a moot court competition in Nashville. I know- kinda geek-ish, right? But as much as I’d love to pretend not to, I really do enjoy it. I’ve decided that the only organizations on campus that are too dorky for me are the Quiddich club, the Dungeons and Dragons group, and maybe the Society of Clarinets. Everything else is fair game.
Our team did really well this year, coming in 3rd place. If I was a better person I would say that it was a great learning experience, and we went just to have fun and yada yada yada. Pssh. Forget that. I just wanted to beat those hoity-toity, overconfident kids from Rhodes College, and we did! Yeah they had perfectly coiffed hair, tailored suits, higher ACT scores, and arrived in their own private bus, but we beat them dadgummit! The fact that we come from a school in Cookeville, Tennessee that everyone still thinks is a community college and seems to mentally picture as being next to a Subway in a strip-mall made the victory that much sweeter.
Also, I have to tell you about the lawyer from Tennessee State University. I’m pretty sure English was not his first language. He had a very strong accent and- pardon my crudeness here- he used the phrase “hardship” a lot in the course of his oral argument and I swear every time he said the word it honestly sounded as though he was saying “hot sh*t.” There was audible laughter in the room each time he used the word.
“Your honor, we must consider the hardship being placed on the respondent today.”
“Ultimately, this case is a matter of hardship.”
“We must expand the provisions of the equal protections clause in our state to stop this hardship!”
It was around his second utterance of the word that I developed what I call the church giggles. I was sitting in the back of the room biting my lip and staring at my feet, trying so hard to keep from laughing. Some light laughter was emitted so I started coughing to cover it up. Then more laughs. The harder I tried to stifle it, the more I wanted to laugh. It was terrible. But in my defense, my professor and half of the other competitors were doing it too.
The week after moot court competition was, of course Thanksgiving which I consider to basically just be a dress rehearsal for the real holiday that comes a month later: Christmas. This year I did something I’ve never done before and joined in on the Black Friday madness.
Worst idea ever.
I went to the Wal Mart in Madison, TN which is always an interesting cultural experience anyway and presents a slight risk of getting assaulted any day of the year but this day was especially crazy. If I go next year, I’m bringing a Kevlar vest, and a lawn chair and a book for while I’m waiting in line.
The lines for each checkout aisle stretched all the way to the back wall of the store, and everyone was very possessive of their spot. Each time someone tried to casually ease their way into the line, someone would inevitably yell out, “We’ve got a cutter!!” and then the angry mob would direct the person back to their proper spot in the back of the line. I saw a few intense arguments too. If there is one thing I’ve learned from my black friday experience, it’s don’t get in the way of a pissed off soccer mom on a mission. Those ladies will literally shop to the death.
The whole time I was standing in line I was pretty much getting groped from all sides. I felt like a female Herman Cain staffer. Apparently there is no such thing as personal space at Wal Mart on black friday. The woman in front of me in line kept whispering strange things to me:
“Stay close!”
“Keep your eye on that lady in the black sweater.”
“Did you see that man just try to cut in line?! Who the %#$* does he think he is?!”
“I got this Blu Ray player for $50! Can you believe that?”
“So anyway, my son and his baby mama are having problems again . . .”
I feel like we really bonded.
Anyway, I’ve got to go work on this project for my Constitutional Law class that I guess is kinda sorta important so that’s all for now, friends. Stay well and drink some egg nog for me! Or boiled custard. Whichever you prefer really.
